It isn’t much, but it is enough for me

After three weeks completely off and two weeks of mornings only, today was my first full day of work post-surgery.  Hooray!

I’ve been waking up before my alarm almost every morning, feeling ready to get out of bed when it does go off, for the past couple of weeks.  I’ve also been making specific plans to eat better, including purchasing spiffy food containers that will make portion control and eating healthy on the go easier (which will be a huge help the next time I’m cast in a show and have to run straight from work to rehearsal).  I can’t even remember the last time I had fast food.

Then there are these tiny, almost imperceptible shifts in how I’ve been thinking about things.  Nothing’s really changed yet, but everything feels new somehow.  Like a brand new world of possibilities opening up, just waiting for me.

“Martha, wait, where is all this coming from?  All you did was get through a day of work!”

That’s true.  Small victory.  I know it’s not much.

It isn’t much, but it is enough for me

Always starting over

Superstar Idina Menzel gave a fabulous concert on her world tour stop in Austin, TX last night.  I was especially thrilled to see her sing “Always Starting Over” again.  When I saw If/Then‘s final preview on Broadway a year and a half ago – the first time I ever heard the song – it already connected with me to such an extent that I’d never cried that much in a theatre, and it still gets to me every time I listen to it.  Now I’ll try to explain why.

Am I always starting over in a brand new story?

Am I always back at one after all I’ve done?

I can’t count the number of times I’ve felt like this during my 8+ year battle with depression.  You think you’re finally doing okay when suddenly something smacks you across the face, often for no reason at all.  And then you’re back at zero, convinced none of your efforts have accomplished anything.

And I won’t regret the lives I didn’t lead

Sometimes I wonder how my life could be different now.  For example, what might have happened if I’d gotten into theatre sooner.  But then I think of everything else I was involved in growing up – dance classes, choir, Camp Fire, colorguard, etc. – and I know I would’ve missed out on so many of those things if I’d been a theatre kid (I barely had any free time as it was).  And I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything.

We can leave life for tomorrow or grieve all that we thought we’d do

Or make each moment new

“I’ll do it later.”  “I’m too busy/tired/distracted.”  “I thought I’d have reached this milestone by now.”  These keep repeating in my head, and I forget just how much power I have over my own life.  Yes, there are lots of things beyond my control, but how I choose to spend my time is not one of them.  And I need to keep reminding myself that.  I’m in this particular moment for a reason, even if I don’t know what it is.

All that might happen is here somehow

Imagine the possibilities!  Or, as Idina also sang last night, “Our future is unlimited.”

All that’s ahead and all that’s behind

It’s all in the moment I make up my mind

And open my heart

And start

SO JUST DO IT, MARTHA!!!

We are always starting over.  And while that can be incredibly frustrating at times, it’s ultimately something beautiful.  Not sure how successful my explanation was, but hopefully it’ll give a few people something to think about.  Or listen to the song and get inspired.

My new life starts right now