Who lives, who dies, who tells your story

I listened to the cast recording of Hamilton for the first time today.

Ummm. WOW.

It felt like listening to history. Both the history of this country told by the musical and the new history the musical itself is creating.

I’ve been hearing hype about this show for months, even before it came to Broadway. Performances are selling out months in advance and tickets are ridiculously expensive, unless you want to try your luck at the nearly-impossible-to-win lottery. Bearing this in mind… I was maybe a minute into the first song when I already knew I have to see this when I’m in New York in January and I don’t care how much I pay for tickets.

Lin-Manuel Miranda (wrote book, music, lyrics AND stars as Alexander Hamilton) is a genius.

Look around, look around, how lucky we are to be alive right now

The thought also struck me that this blog is an attempt to tell my own story.

And I can’t wrap my head around any other specific thoughts at the moment because I’m currently listening to the album for the third time today on Spotify. Do yourself a favor and listen to it too. Then take some quality time to think about what you just heard.

Dying is easy, young man. Living is harder.

It isn’t much, but it is enough for me

After three weeks completely off and two weeks of mornings only, today was my first full day of work post-surgery.  Hooray!

I’ve been waking up before my alarm almost every morning, feeling ready to get out of bed when it does go off, for the past couple of weeks.  I’ve also been making specific plans to eat better, including purchasing spiffy food containers that will make portion control and eating healthy on the go easier (which will be a huge help the next time I’m cast in a show and have to run straight from work to rehearsal).  I can’t even remember the last time I had fast food.

Then there are these tiny, almost imperceptible shifts in how I’ve been thinking about things.  Nothing’s really changed yet, but everything feels new somehow.  Like a brand new world of possibilities opening up, just waiting for me.

“Martha, wait, where is all this coming from?  All you did was get through a day of work!”

That’s true.  Small victory.  I know it’s not much.

It isn’t much, but it is enough for me

Always starting over

Superstar Idina Menzel gave a fabulous concert on her world tour stop in Austin, TX last night.  I was especially thrilled to see her sing “Always Starting Over” again.  When I saw If/Then‘s final preview on Broadway a year and a half ago – the first time I ever heard the song – it already connected with me to such an extent that I’d never cried that much in a theatre, and it still gets to me every time I listen to it.  Now I’ll try to explain why.

Am I always starting over in a brand new story?

Am I always back at one after all I’ve done?

I can’t count the number of times I’ve felt like this during my 8+ year battle with depression.  You think you’re finally doing okay when suddenly something smacks you across the face, often for no reason at all.  And then you’re back at zero, convinced none of your efforts have accomplished anything.

And I won’t regret the lives I didn’t lead

Sometimes I wonder how my life could be different now.  For example, what might have happened if I’d gotten into theatre sooner.  But then I think of everything else I was involved in growing up – dance classes, choir, Camp Fire, colorguard, etc. – and I know I would’ve missed out on so many of those things if I’d been a theatre kid (I barely had any free time as it was).  And I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything.

We can leave life for tomorrow or grieve all that we thought we’d do

Or make each moment new

“I’ll do it later.”  “I’m too busy/tired/distracted.”  “I thought I’d have reached this milestone by now.”  These keep repeating in my head, and I forget just how much power I have over my own life.  Yes, there are lots of things beyond my control, but how I choose to spend my time is not one of them.  And I need to keep reminding myself that.  I’m in this particular moment for a reason, even if I don’t know what it is.

All that might happen is here somehow

Imagine the possibilities!  Or, as Idina also sang last night, “Our future is unlimited.”

All that’s ahead and all that’s behind

It’s all in the moment I make up my mind

And open my heart

And start

SO JUST DO IT, MARTHA!!!

We are always starting over.  And while that can be incredibly frustrating at times, it’s ultimately something beautiful.  Not sure how successful my explanation was, but hopefully it’ll give a few people something to think about.  Or listen to the song and get inspired.

My new life starts right now

You think, what do you want?

I recently finished reading Matthew Kelly’s book The Rhythm of Life, in which he uses the sport of golf to illustrate a point: “If you can’t see the shot, you can’t make the shot.”  That got me thinking.  The more specific the idea, the clearer the vision.  But you can’t see anything if you don’t even know what you’re looking for.  Which is a HUGE problem for me.

For most of my life, major goals have been defined for me.  Graduate from high school!  Graduate from college!  We’ll split everything into years and semesters so you have built-in checkpoints to track your progress!  Even my extracurriculars provided automatic goals.  I joined Camp Fire when I was 5, so an obvious goal when I reached high school was the WoHeLo Award.  I also started dance classes at River City when I was 5, and I wanted so much to be like the “big girls,” join the River City Stars performing group, and eventually be named Miss River City.

But since then…?

Sure, I’ve had some vague goals.  Find a job.  Get involved in community theatre.  But I never knew exactly what I was looking for.  And I still don’t.  The most specific goal I’ve had since I graduated from Vandy was getting my PE license, and it felt wonderful while I prepared my application and studied for the exam because I knew what I was working toward.

I’m beginning to realize that specificity is key, in setting and achieving goals as well as in acting.  But how can I specifically define what a character wants when I don’t even know what I want?  So it’s time to do some serious thinking (and praying!) and figure it out.

I like to think I know who I am.  Catholic.  Performer.  Engineer.

…although how can you know who you are till you know what you want, which you don’t?

Still, I guess it’s a place to start.

I guess I’m here to explain myself

I feel like I haven’t done nearly a good enough job of explaining my reasons for creating this blog/site.  So here we go.

TCEQ hosts an Environmental Trade Fair and Conference every year in early May.  Even though I’ve worked at TCEQ more than five years I’d never actually made it down to the Trade Fair, so I decided I needed to go this year.  Looking over the list of talks being given at the two-day conference, the one that intrigued me most was “The Top 5 Things Scientists Need to Know about Social Media.”  I left the talk with very few ideas of how to implement any of the topics discussed in my job specifically, but quite a lot of how to use them in my life generally.  Later that day I signed up for all the popular social media sites I’d been ignoring (LinkedIn, Pinterest, Instagram, etc.) and stumbled across WordPress.  And now here we are.

I’ve noticed that people from one area of my life are often surprised when they hear about another.  When my coworkers at TCEQ found out I do theatre, the most common reaction was, “Really?  But you’re so quiet!”  People I meet through theatre often seem impressed when they find out I majored in electrical engineering in college.  (One of my favorite reactions happened after tap class a few months ago when I told Danny, “If I pass this exam I’ll be a licensed professional engineer,” and he responded, “I think that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.”  Which, by the way, felt pretty darn fabulous coming from someone with years of Broadway experience!)  Then there are various stereotypes floating around that suggest it might be contradictory to be religious and involved in theatre (and I have found myself in uncomfortable situations with castmates probably more often than I’d like to admit).  And yet, these are the three main components of who I am.  Catholic.  Performer.  Engineer.

So I created this site, hoping to let people who only know one side of me see the other two, maybe introduce them to worlds or ideas they might not have experienced otherwise, and attempt to explain how three vastly different components can fit together as well as they do.  With some fun little quirky stuff thrown in, because hey!  It’s me.

This is almost touching what the beauty is

Last night, after receiving 6 nominations over the past 10 years, my favorite Broadway actress finally won her first Tony Award. So this post is dedicated to the incomparable Kelli O’Hara.

I love what I do.  And I don’t need this, but now that I have it I’ve got some things to say.

I first discovered Kelli when I borrowed the OBC recording of The Light in the Piazza from a friend my freshman year at Vandy.  As soon as I heard “The Beauty Is” in that haunting soprano voice, I knew she was special.  In fact, that song left such an impression that I chose to sing it at my first vocal recital when I started taking voice lessons six years later.

I gradually collected more recordings of Kelli – the revival of The Pajama Game, Sweet Smell of Success, the revival of South Pacific – and became increasingly impressed with her versatility and talent.  Then when I planned a trip to New York with my sister for my 26th birthday and Nice Work If You Can Get It was running, I knew I just had to see her.

Fast-forward past the drama of postponing the trip due to Hurricane Sandy and my sister and I are wandering around a frozen Central Park three months after my birthday, and I can hardly contain my excitement because I’m going to see KELLI O’HARA in a few hours!

Nice Work was everything I’d hoped it would be and more.  Great music, amazing dancing, a few tears, laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe… and Kelli.  She was magical, shining so brightly she lit up the whole theatre every second she was onstage.  Unfortunately, I did not get the chance to meet her at the stage door (she didn’t come out after the Wednesday matinee we saw, or after the Saturday night performance when I came back to the stage door after seeing a different Broadway show just because I wanted to meet her).

Then last year, I bought the OBC recording of The Bridges of Madison County the day it was released.  Oh my goodness.  I have never heard anything so heartbreakingly beautiful.  She brought me to tears on the very first listen, and the album quickly became one of the most played in my collection.  If anything else was needed to firmly cement my love and respect for Ms. Kelli O’Hara, this was it.  I was devastated when she didn’t win the Tony for the role of Francesca, but I was happy Jessie Mueller won if it couldn’t be her.

And finally, last night…  on the edge of my seat, praying that they’d actually say Kelli’s name this time…  I will happily admit that I squealed and cried when it was announced!  And then of course, she gives us all a master class in how to make an acceptance speech, underlining so many of the reasons I love her, complete with a “Shuffle off to Buffalo” exit!

…and I’ll be back!  Maybe not up here, but I’ll be on the theatre stage!

I’m still not sure exactly why I love her as much as I do.  Maybe it’s because I’m mainly a soprano with a “belt” that’s more of a mix, and she’s one of the few leading ladies I’ve found with that type of voice surrounded by a sea of hardcore Broadway belters.  Maybe it’s because she reminds me of myself in other ways.  Maybe it’s just some unknown magical quality.  Whatever it is though, over the past few years she has officially become my Broadway role model, and I hope someday I’ll be able to thank her for sharing her gifts with me and the rest of the world.

A change in the air

I’ve been cleaning out my filing cabinets over the past few weeks.  Among other little treasures, I stumbled across my journals from Vandy+Catholic retreats.  So I thought I’d share a bit from one of them.  This particular journal was from the fall semester of my sophomore year, and the retreat’s theme was Transitions.

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It’s so beautiful out here.  With all the crunchy red, orange, yellow, and brown leaves on the ground, the light blue sky and white fluffy clouds overhead, and all the birds and butterflies flying around, it feels so peaceful.  Maybe it’s right that we’re here in autumn.  It’s a season of change.  And that change is beautiful.  Sure, after the beauty falls away, everything looks bare and deserted, but that’s also beautiful in its own way.  And it has to happen for spring to come and new life to start.

I think part of me just doesn’t like/want to deal with change.  I like to have certain things that are always the same, like a set routine I can follow.  But I can’t always have that.  And I think I know that and try to fight against it.

How can I know what I’m really supposed to do?  I think I know what I like to do, and I maybe know some of what I can do, but I know sometimes we have to do things we don’t like or things we think we can’t do.  So how do I balance all that?  And I know I can’t do everything, and the more I try to do the less good will come out of it because if I stretch myself too thin I won’t be able to give anything my all.  And what is worthwhile if it’s only done halfheartedly?  God, I need guidance.  I need You to show me what I’m supposed to do for You, or at least give me a nudge in the right direction, because part of me feels really lost right now.

Oh WOW, God, that was amazing.  I just looked up again, and instead of the clouds just being on the horizon behind me, now they’re all around me, covering the whole sky with their tiny wispy frailty.  And I didn’t even notice them moving.  It really doesn’t look like they’re moving at all, and yet somehow they’ve touched the whole sky.  So even though sometimes I feel like I’m going absolutely nowhere, just running around in useless circles and I can’t see where I might be headed (if anywhere at all), God has a plan for me, and He’ll make me cover the sky without me even realizing it.

Step one

Just feels like it’s time to create a website and watch what happens.  Stay tuned for the random ramblings and adventures of a musical-loving Catholic engineer…